ASTRONAUTS OVERUSE PROTECTION IN
MAN'S FIRST ATTEMPT AT SPACE BUTT SEX
SPACE, OUTER - Today at 3:00 p.m. P.S.T., a million miles
over the earth's atmosphere clouds, the first attempt at
space butt sex was performed out the port side of the
intramural space station, the SPARTAN. Captain Lee
Tigerbelly and Admiral Nelson were donned in what many
thought was an "inordinate" amount of protection generally
not affiliated with butt sex. While normal butt sex is
performed with a latex contraceptive or a swift apology, the
Captain and Admiral put on what co-workers called,
'everything in sight'.
"They just kept putting things on, its as if they wanted to
be wearing as many things between them during the act as
possible. I started to get the feeling they didn't even want
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JURY ON PATTERSTON TRIAL IS "STARV'N"
WHEN ASKED HOW
REPLIED, "MAN, I'M
STARV'N LIKE MARVIN"
Courtroom, Law City - As day 23 of the vague trial known as the
Patterson case began, it was leaked to the press that many members of the
jury were, "starv'n". It's being reported that jurors thought there would be
more food at the trial than has been realized. Juror Mike Kleetan, who wishes
to remain anonymous, says, "They had some bagels in the morning, and we
got to order whatever we wanted to from Wendy's for lunch, but man its been
a couple hours and I could really eat again."
There is speculation that in fact how hungry the jury is, may effect
the outcome of the case. This is the third time the case has been to trial. The
first time the case went to court, a mistrial was declared because during the
prosecution's final cross examination, the judge allowed the jury to "run real
quick to Micky D's", and no one ever came back. And last January at the
case's second try in the courtroom, many jurors kept asking to go the
bathroom, and were found wondering the halls 'just look'n at stuff'. The judge
declared that they would attempt to run the trial a third time, but this time do it
Court was adjourned early Tuesday when the jury kept yelling objection
on the grounds that they were 'hungry as balls'. So will the fact that the jury's
hunger level is equal to that of testicles place the possibility for justice in
jeopardy? It seems that appetite may in fact be a factor. This was especially
evident last night when juror Casey Rumbrock of 1289 west Rockford Av. Mill
Valley, CA responded to questions of whether or not he thought the
defendant was guilty, replied, "Whatever, I just wanna get outa here and grab
some pizza rolls or some shit."
So what exactly is the Patterson trial? The nature of the case is yet to be
discovered. While finding out how famished the jury is has been fairly simple,
details of the case itself have been kept under wraps. While most of the case
is ambiguous, it is known that the case has something to do with the grand
larceny of thousands of ridiculously delicious sandwiches.
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Photo taken by Xyintor of Alphron-7
to be having butt sex."
But Lee swears he was just playing it safe.
"Being the first person to have butt sex in space is a huge honor, but there is a great
responsibility that comes with that. Whether it's in the vacuum of space, or inside a large
refrigerator box, its important to practice safe butt sex. So underneath my space suit I wore all
the clothes and duct tape that I had brought with me. You just can't be too careful In this day and
age of disease and pregnancy.
While disease and pregnancy is somewhat redundant, Lee does have some good points. But
the question at hand is: when are you being safe, and when are trying to not actually have butt
sex? Admiral Nelson was a bit more up front about the venture.
"When it was first mentioned that once we were up there, we'd have to have butt sex for the
sake of science, to be honest, I wasn't that crazy about the idea. But the more I thought about it,
the more I was like, sure, on the one hand I'd have to have butt sex, but on the other hand, I get
to go to space!"
Whatever the astronauts' motivation was to wear all the accouterments that they did; whether
it was for protection, to stay alive in space, or to keep the actual act of butt sex from happening,
the mission was a failure.
Cape Canaveral's Corporal Tunel stated, "At the end of the day, while they went through the
motions, no butt sex ever actually happened. It's too bad, we spent a lot money to put those two
in outer space to have butt sex, and now we still don't know anymore about butt sex in space
than we did before the mission."
Plans for another mission are already in the works. While the first attempt left more to be
desired, Mission Control Guy Bud Alzran remains optimistic.
"Maybe it's not this mission, maybe it's not the next one, but I'm very confident with
everyone's hard work, we'll eventually get it in the end."
Quickly afterwards Alzran realized his accidental innuendo and asked if he could be re
quoted. We could not reach him with an answer before the print deadline.
"...THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I WAS LIKE,
SURE ON THE ONE HAND, I'D HAVE TO HAVE BUTT SEX, BUT
ON THE OTHER HAND, I GET TO GO TO SPACE!"
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